I Feel Really Guilty.

So its been a few weeks since I last posted, things have been a little up and down to be honest with more downs, but I’m still going so thats the main thing! Lately I have been trying to focus more on myself and doing things I used to enjoy doing, it hasnt been easy though… I feel really guilty! I know it sounds really stupid but I do, even though I havent really done anything selfish or special.

I had my nails done for the first time in a year and of course, painted black! I even found the time to dye my hair, which I havent done in three yesrs, I dyed it back to bright red, and I actually mean BRIGHT red. I also found some time to get back drawing and doing some crochet, evenfinished a few things that have been sat atound for months that shoukd have been done a year ago. So why do I feel guilty?

Three completed pieces and new notebooks.

One really big boost to my mental health lately is I think I’ve made some new friends, it feels nice to have people to talk to about snything, even if they are miles away its nice not to feel so lonely at the moment. Let’s hope it lasts.

Bye for now

C ❤


Broken and Lost.

I needed some time out after my last post, I’m not going to lie I really struggled mentally and emotionally after posting. Out of nowhere I hit rock bottom and felt vulnerable, lost and I just didn’t know how to process how I felt and still feel. I felt like I had shown everyone my weakness and how lonely and confused I actually am. My mental health still hasn’t recovered and I don’t know how to get out of this rut. I’ve tried all my usual ways to help me get back on track read 9!! Books, tried drawing again and tried some crochet, but nothing seems to be working, I can’t concentrate or focus on anything i used to enjoy.

I did make a friend after my last post, but ended up being ghosted after a few days after having a really frank and honest discussion that they started, bit now it has me thinking is there something wrong with me? Am I really that bad of a friend? Did I say something wrong? Did I say too much? I’ll admit it I do worry too much what other people think about me, I can’t help it I’m a people pleaser I like to make other people happy, but now I’m beginning to think maybe that’s just the way it is am I really meant to have friends? Do I care too much?

My self esteem and mental health are like I said at rock bottom but my anxiety is sky high again, and I just can’t shake it off. I never believe anything that people say about me, I can’t take a compliment, things have only gotten worse since I posted about how lonely I actually am. I don’t have anyone to talk to just everyone who reads this, I tried talking to my wife but she doesn’t understand and doesn’t listen to what I am trying to say so I have given up trying now.

I do feel broken, like I’m missing something, a piece of me and I don’t think it’s just because I am lonely but I don’t know what it is that’s missing, I’ve tried thinking about what it could be but I just can’t figure it all out, I don’t know maybe I’m stuck in my own head too much. When I try and figure it out it’s there in the back of my head but I can’t quite figure it out or reach it no matter what I try.

I know this doesn’t make sense but this is what’s has been swimming around my head for the past two weeks, it’s hell! I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I think I’m just trying to make sense of how I feel lately or why I suddenly feel like something is missing and just going round in big circles, ha! I’m going to stop here before I start rambling.


Thank you.

So I have been running on auto-pilot since my last post just over two weeks ago and I haven’t posted on here since which I will explain in my next post, but I have been still lurking, reading posts and replying to comments as and when I could. I want to thank everyone who took the time to read and write a comment, it was nice to realise I wasn’t feeling and thinking like this as alone as I thought, so thank you again!


I need a friend.

How hard is it to make and keep friends? I was reading a website page about maintaining close friendships being good for your mental and physical health and it got me thinking, I actually don’t have any friends! I have people I used to work with but I haven’t seen in nearly a year, but I don’t actually have anyone I can actually talk to about anything, I don’t have anyone I can go for a coffee with or get out the house to go visit.

I even googled good apps/sites to make friends on and it was pointless most of the apps were all for dating, which being married is a huge no go! It made me realise I need to find some friends even if they are on the otherside of the world. I need to find someone I can talk to about absolutely anything and nothing. I do feel lonely all the time, the only person I speak to is my wife when she comes home from work or if I go to the shop or town. I never realised how cut off I actually was from people till today.

Ive always struggled to make friends and keep them because I’ve always got along with guys better then girls and other people have never liked it or understood it but also probably because I’m not girly or wear make up everyday like most women around me, I also don’t mind getting dirty or stuck in to grimy jobs, I like skulls, motorbikes, Halloween obsessed, I wear black alot and live in my boots all year! Serious I think I only own 2 pairs of heels and 1 pair of dolly shoes, but I have at least 6 pairs of boots! I also always wear leggings and vests, the only time I wear colour is if it’s to cover my vest and usually it’s all in dark colours.

Anyway I’m starting to warble again! So yeah I really need to find some friends, even to just email occasionally, a penpal would even work. I suck at making friends and need to make some!


I’m scared.

So I’ve been quiet on here for a couple of days, I needed some space to think about things, about this blog, about me, everything, it didn’t work to be honest it made me worse. I constantly feel like I have to bottle everything up and I have to be strong, not show how weak and tired I really am. I can’t lose this mask I wear everyday…

I redownload the apps WHISPER and KIK, and then realised why I left there years ago, all the messages I’d forgot about and all the creeps came straight back out. WHISPER used to be my safe space before I started this blog. I felt like I could hide easier and still be me, then a few bad experiences and I left, it wasn’t the safe space I thought it was. So I left again I lasted two hours.

I thought doing this blog would make me feel better or help me deal with the jargon in my head, like it could be my new safe space but instead I am terrified that someone will read my posts and figure out it’s me, and show my wife everything I have written.

I know I have said some horrible things about her on here but if she ever does see this then I want her to know this is what’s going on in my head everyday and I don’t mean it all, but I can’t tell her anything that I am thinking as it would kill her, she thinks I am this strong independent woman that can deal with anything and everything, but the truth is I can’t.
I’m going to stop here as I can feel the start of a panic attack and I need to breathe and calm down before I crumble.


What a great start to the year.

So it’s nearly the end of the first day of 2018 and already I am at breaking point. I’ve spent my day running round after my wife’s granddaughter, cooking a Sunday roast for new year, cleaning and taking down the Christmas decorations, while the wife has slowly turned into a loud, obnoxious, annoying drunk by drinking since 3pm.

I’m sat in bed here while she sleeps next to me oblivious to how she was behaving and acting just half an hour ago. I just can’t do it anymore, this is what my life has become a wife and step nanna to her grandchildren, who stays at home all day looking after her granddaughter, who cooks and cleans, does all the shopping, has no friends or social life, yet when she comes through that door tomorrow night will turn round and say ‘whats for tea?’ Whilst expecting it to be cooking away with a brew ready for her and ‘what have you done all day’. Who’s first text of the day won’t be asking how I am but will be about how she is, how bad/good work is going for her, and how is her granddaughter. Who’s only free time is when the granddaughter goes to nursery for two days a week, where I am too busy to actually enjoy the free time.

Now I know I sound selfish writing this, but just once I want her to ask how I am feeling or do I need anything. I always thought it was an age/generation thing as she is a lot older then me by 21 years, but looking back on it all I have realised that is just how she is, and it hurts. I feel so stupid and let down that I didn’t realise sooner. I don’t know how it would of changed anything though, I would have still have stayed here and married her and took on her granddaughter beaches that’s the person I am, I’m too nice.

It hit me tonight while she is sleeping that I am stuck here, for better for worse and I just have to get on with it and try to make the best of the situation I am in. I do love her don’t get me wrong, I may sound like I don’t but I don’t love her as a wife it’s slowly turned into more of a friendship kind of love, and before anyone says just talk to her and tell her how I feel,  you don’t know her like I do, it would turn nasy, or things would change for a week max before it would go back to being this way, I’ve tried it before and gave up.

I’m going to stop here before I break down even more and become a mess. I’m not looking for advice or support, I just needed to get this out of my head. I really wish I had a friend who won’t judge me, or give me stupid advice, who I can trust.


Goodbye 2017, you won’t be missed!

So another year will be ending and a new one will begin. I couldn’t be happier to see the back end of 2017 to be honest, it has been a rollercoaster of year with more low points then high points, and a very dark year thanks to my depression and anxiety coming back as a dark cloud that I can’t shift from inside my head.

Making small changes for a fresh start in the new year.
Making plans for the new year.

Im not setting myself huge unachievable resolutions, just small promises to myself that I will try and attempt to have a better year with some focus on making my mental and physical health better, I know it’s not going to be an easy year for me but I at least have to try or I will reget it.

So before I start warbling on talking even more absolute crap, I hope you all have an amazing new year, wherever you are and whatever you are doing! Also thank you to everyone who takes the time to read and sometimes comment on my posts, it makes me feel less lonely.

‘Tomorrow is a blank page in a new 365 page book’