So it’s nearly the end of the first day of 2018 and already I am at breaking point. I’ve spent my day running round after my wife’s granddaughter, cooking a Sunday roast for new year, cleaning and taking down the Christmas decorations, while the wife has slowly turned into a loud, obnoxious, annoying drunk by drinking since 3pm.
I’m sat in bed here while she sleeps next to me oblivious to how she was behaving and acting just half an hour ago. I just can’t do it anymore, this is what my life has become a wife and step nanna to her grandchildren, who stays at home all day looking after her granddaughter, who cooks and cleans, does all the shopping, has no friends or social life, yet when she comes through that door tomorrow night will turn round and say ‘whats for tea?’ Whilst expecting it to be cooking away with a brew ready for her and ‘what have you done all day’. Who’s first text of the day won’t be asking how I am but will be about how she is, how bad/good work is going for her, and how is her granddaughter. Who’s only free time is when the granddaughter goes to nursery for two days a week, where I am too busy to actually enjoy the free time.
Now I know I sound selfish writing this, but just once I want her to ask how I am feeling or do I need anything. I always thought it was an age/generation thing as she is a lot older then me by 21 years, but looking back on it all I have realised that is just how she is, and it hurts. I feel so stupid and let down that I didn’t realise sooner. I don’t know how it would of changed anything though, I would have still have stayed here and married her and took on her granddaughter beaches that’s the person I am, I’m too nice.
It hit me tonight while she is sleeping that I am stuck here, for better for worse and I just have to get on with it and try to make the best of the situation I am in. I do love her don’t get me wrong, I may sound like I don’t but I don’t love her as a wife it’s slowly turned into more of a friendship kind of love, and before anyone says just talk to her and tell her how I feel, you don’t know her like I do, it would turn nasy, or things would change for a week max before it would go back to being this way, I’ve tried it before and gave up.
I’m going to stop here before I break down even more and become a mess. I’m not looking for advice or support, I just needed to get this out of my head. I really wish I had a friend who won’t judge me, or give me stupid advice, who I can trust.